Captain America – 1990

This is not a review of the 2011 adaption of the Marvel comic book character; this is a review of the 1990 adaption of the same superhero. Not a lot of people remember the 1990 film. How I envy those people.

While the characters’ origin stories take place during World War II, most of the film occurs during the 90s. This is because Captain America gets frozen and doesn’t wake up until the 90s. From what I could gather by watching this movie, the plot goes something like this: Red Skull, who used to be an Italian experimental supersoldier, has had plastic surgery done to his face, runs a crime family, has raised a daughter and is hired to assassinate the president. Captain America’s superpower is the ability to seal other people’s cars. He uses this superpower piss off people and somehow save the day. I am not kidding about any of this.

Did I mention that Captain America is pro-environmentalism? The reason that Red Skull is trying to kill the president is because he wants to pass a bunch of pro-environmentalist legislation that upsets the military-industrial complex. The film ends with a plea to support the Environmental Protection Act.

To put it delicately, the action sequences in this film are an insultingly stupid. There’s a scene where Captain America steers a rocket by punching it. He gets a rocket to fly upwards by punching upwards on the bottom half of the rocket. Let’s take a moment to try and count the number of times the laws of physics have been violated here. The action scenes in this film range from unremarkable to downright dumb.  Did I mention that Captain America steals cars?

The acting is poor, the writing and plot is stupid, the costumes and sets are lackluster, Captain America steals cars and Red Skull just looks like some Old Italian guy. That’s pretty much all you need to know about the movie.

This movie was so quintessentially bad that my head is still hurting from thinking about it. I am trying desperately to forget about this violation of my senses. My mind will be completely blown if the 2011 film manages to be worse than this one.