I’m going to guess that everyone who gave this movie a glowing review has never heard of The Beatles or loves musical movies because they have to or their theater classmates will shun them.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had to sit in a movie theater and cover my face to hide the insidious contortions it’s making. In fact I can’t even remember the last time I’ve ever had to do it.  I have never been more appalled at careless story telling than I was with this movie.

Julie Taymor went into this and redefined what every one of the songs meant. Alot of the meanings were more simple than they were trying to make them, or just throws them in there because the movie went three seconds without someone singing. She plays the audience for stupid making them think they are idiots because they don’t get the insane metaphor a particular scene is making, particularly the scene that involves water nymphs with masks. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Now I will not lie, about twenty percent of this movie is great.  The mix works and all is well, especially the key funeral scene near the beinning of the movie (hmm, no Beatles song there, though I was fearing Eleanor Rigby).  The other eighty percent is bullshit that has no business being in there.  Everyone has the name of a Beatles song so their character can be sung about later, real original… In one scene for no reason, Prudence locks herself in the bathroom. I don’t think I have to say anything more.

There are some pretty good fresh actors in this movie, but they are lost in Taymor’s too-bizarre-to-be-meaningful-in-any-way distraction of a movie.  Out of all the actors, only one of them was completely miscast and was more of a distraction than the army man with square faces. Sorry Evan Rachel Wood, stick to entertainment where you don’t talk or sing, like your new lover’s blood-in-the-bathtub erotica video (no, for real, she’s marilyn manson’s new trophy).

Even if I didn’t love the Beatles, the covers of these songs would drive me crazy. Everyone of them was super slow.  They started slow, they ended slow. Even fucking Helter Skelter was slow as hell.  This movie could have easily been an hour and thirty minutes, but they made the tempo for all the songs four times slower. Never have I wanted a movie to end sooner. There’s a reason the producer of this movie tried to re-edit this entire thing without Taymor’s approval: this movie is a giant cluster-fuck and the tony-award winning crazy lady is too insane to admit it.

The best part of the movie? Bono. Hands down. The Nobel Peace nominee can act. As soon as I saw him sing I Am the Walrus (as Bono mind you), I was sure his character was going to be Bono. Turns out he was that American druggy who traveled around the States passing out LSD in his multi-colored groovy van. Weird.

Julie Taymor, stick to stage. Yeah, we all know you dwell in New York, you think you’re all artsy and shit. Well your artsy New York bullshit ruined perfectly good songs from musicians that were from Liverpool. I find it hilarious that the main character doesn’t get his inspiration until he gets to New York and loses it when he gets back to Liverpool. Not all art exists in New York you stupid scenester.

The lesson? You can’t make a Beatles themed movie unless you are all four of the Beatles, and even then it can spell disaster (see Magical Mystery Tour). Did the Sgt. Peppers movie teach us nothing?

Oh, and John Lennon was not the Beatles. Get over it.