When Optimus Prime parachutes in like a rock star and tells a decepticon to “pull over” due to a moving violation the movies credibility crumbles like a house of cards. And that is in the first 5 minutes! The only revenge to be had here is on the audience.


Michael Bay claims he drew inspiration from APOCALYPSE NOW but the only thing this movie has in common with that masterpiece is the sun the rest is a relentless assault on cinema that resembles an idiots three hour rant on why curly fries are better than onion rings.

The plot is about a missing piece of shard from the cube thingamabob from the first movie. Don’t ask.The first movie wasn’t a bevy of coherant storytelling either but Transformers 2 doesn’t care it is designed as if it is the greatest something ever made. The greatest something is right.

Villains and heroes are reanimated at a whim rendering huge climactic sequences as episodic events that don’t matter. More villains show up of course but you can’t tell who and how many. It also doesn’t help that The autobots and decepticons look alike making action sequences considered the meat and potatoes of the series impossible to follow.

The human characters are a joke. Sam is super annoying his roommate is worst his parents are crude and infantile and Megan Fox shows the only real talent to be offered. Ha! Something has to be said for the female background artifacts here. Every female in the movie looks like a skank all lubed up bending over or licking something.The only time Bay seems able to convey human bonding is when his characters are lounging in a strip club.Isn’t this movie pg-13?

This movie is so lavish in it’s god awfulness it makes HOWARD THE DUCK look like THE GODFATHER.And the exposition will have you laughing till your belly aches.

“Oh, no! The machine is buried in the pyramid! If they turn it on, it will destroy the sun! Not on my watch!”

Any questions?