For the past half hour, I’ve been contemplating what word perfectly describes The Room. Laughable popped to mind first, followed by atrocious. Words such as terrible, uncoordinated, garbage were springing to mind as well. Before I knew it, I had a variety of words that could be used to bash The Room. Yet, I couldn’t pick just one.

Back in 2007, I watched a movie that went by the title of There Will Be Blood. After my viewing, my friends asked me my thoughts on the film. I was speechless. No words could describe how great There Will Be Blood was. This speechlessness is back, this time for the total opposite reason. I can’t think of any way to describe how bad The Room is.

I guess I could break down the plot to make it easier.

Lisa (Juliette Danielle) is engaged to Johnny (Tommy Wiseau, who also wrote, produced and directed) and they’re set to wed in a month. Only problem is, Lisa doesn’t love Johnny anymore. All of the rush of emotions she had for him vamoose, as they transfer over to his best friend Mark (Greg Sestero). Lisa and Mark do their best to hide it from Johnny, and try to figure out a plan to break it to him.

This sounds like a competent plot. Quite a few good movies have used this plot to perfection. Those movies didn’t succeed, however, due to the plot. They succeeded due to the combined help of good acting, good directing and good writers. Tommy Wiseau and his crew don’t possess any of this.

Tommy Wiseau doesn’t even seem like he cares about the movie (I swear he must have lost a bet). He doesn’t emote any lines. He just belts them out as if he’s reading them off of cue cards. Juliette Danielle does seem as if she was trying to act, but didn’t prevail. The rest of the crew didn’t do any better (a few of them looked as if they were just pulled off of the street).

Since Tommy Wiseau didn’t seem to care about the movie through his acting ability, it should come as no surprise that his direction is disastrous. He has no discernment on pacing, camera angles or character development. His writing mirrors this as well (I was going to write a paragraph on the writing as well, but it would’ve just been a rehash of his direction).

Nothing in The Room works. When you’re supposed to be caring about the characters, you find yourself laughing instead. When you’re supposed to be connecting with the characters, you find yourself despising them. When you’re supposed to be enthralled by the plot, you find yourself drifting in and out instead.

I still have yet to figure out the right word to sum up The Room. Everything seems too tame. No simile can properly explain the pain and sheer agony of having to sit through this movie, so there’s now one word that could explain it either. The only way to explain it, is to not explain it at all.