From what I can understand, Clash of the Titans exists solely to give its audience a lot of action scenes. I’m not sure if one goes into a film like this and hoping for a large number of real characters or good actors. But then again, someone like Liam Neeson or Ralph Fiennes is involved in this project, so you might go in expecting that. Unfortunately, neither one of them gives a very good performance, which can be said for everyone else as well.

The plot, as far as I can remember, revolves around a man named Perseus (Sam Worthington). He’s a demigod, born after Zeus (Neeson) decided it would be a fun idea to impregnate a random woman (who was later killed for apparently not staying truthful to her husband, even though Zeus had disguised himself as her husband). Make sense of that, and you’ll have thought more about the film than anyone involved did. Anyway, Perseus doesn’t like praying to the gods, his father included, and ends up embarking on a quest to kill the gods’ Kraken. Why? Because it might be fun, I guess.

So, yes, we’re in ancient times and Greek gods exist. And now they’re angry, because more and more people aren’t praying to them. Apparently, that’s the only way they are allowed to stay immortal, and are therefore upset that atheism is on the upswing. They cause some trouble for the characters as the film goes on, but mostly stay to themselves. I’m unsure why they really needed to be involved at all, except to say that the film is based on Greek mythology (and an earlier film with the same name and somewhat similar storyline).

If it seems like I’m having difficulty recalling the plot of Clash of the Titans, it’s because I am. I don’t remember a whole lot about it, largely because it’s just an excuse to have giant scorpions, a Kraken, and other types of giant creatures for the cast to fight against. Action scenes follow more action scenes, I suppose. Oh, and when we see the gods up in their little version of Heaven, they wear incredibly shiny armor that seemed to me like a waste of money to render.

There are a couple of subplots, both of which go nowhere important. The first involves a woman named Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), whom the gods want as a sacrifice for whatever reason you want to come up with. The second involves another woman, this one named Io (Gemma Arterton), who cannot age because she was cursed by the gods. She ends up being Perseus’ love interest, although calling it a “love interest” involves actual interest, which this doesn’t have.

One action scene after another happens, and by the end, I got tired. Any attempt at drama falls flat, which means that it has to rely solely on its action scenes. At this, it succeeds marginally well. Some of the action scenes are fairly exciting, and there were one or two that had some originality. Most of them are dull, though, and I was yawning far more often than not. The problem comes mostly from not caring about anyone involved.

The only character where depth is attempted with is Perseus, but even this fails. He has father issues, obviously, but it seems like this is the motivation for his entire character. The rest of the time, he’s a bland person who just happens to be fairly good with a sword. The rest of the cast is filled with woman who exist for little reason, and men who exist for little reason but have beards. At least it wasn’t the other way around, although maybe that would have been interesting.

Most of the time, I couldn’t even tell which character was doing what. They all looked the same! They all had the same type of facial hair, haircut, armor, weapons, etc. It was like watching dolls fight giant monsters. If this took place in a toy box, the monsters would be played by the hands of the children who hold the dolls. Or maybe that child’s friend. But regardless, that’s how many of the fights played out for me.

None of the actors do a good job either. You might expect Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes (he plays Hades, if you’re wondering) or Pete Poslethwaite to raise the material to their level, but instead, they played down to how terrible it all was. Sam Worthington doesn’t make a good lead here, and he doesn’t ever seem to show emotion. There is no chemistry between him and Gemma Arterton, and since that subplot is so small to begin with, I had to wonder why it even made it to the final cut.

The worst part about the film is its attitude. There isn’t a single happy person in the film, and that doesn’t make it a pleasant watch. You go to an action film to be entertained, but watching gloomy people be gloomy before going around and killing monsters isn’t fun. I just wanted to see them smile once in a while, but that didn’t happen.

Clash of the Titans wasn’t an enjoyable film. There were a couple of entertaining action spots, but apart from them, there was nothing to like. The acting was bad, the subplots didn’t work, the main plot didn’t seem to have much reason to exist, the characters were bland, and there weren’t any smiles or happiness to be found anywhere. I was bored more often than not, and I can’t recommend this film to anyone, unless you like boring, depressing and dull action films.