DVD cover, Sony PicturesWith a promising preview and a cast that includes 3 Hollywood superstars, The Maiden Heist looked like it could be a hidden gem in the world of straight-to-DVD releases. Unfortunately, director Peter Hewitt (Garfield) and writer Michael LeSieur (You, Me and Dupree) fail to create a movie that lives up to its promise. Instead of finding a diamond in the rough, we’re left with a chunk of cubic zirconia.  

Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken and William H. Macy star as 3 bumbling security guards at a Boston art museum. Roger (Walken) and Charles (Freeman) are mesmerized by 2 paintings, while George (Macy) is enchanted with a bronze statue of a warrior. When they find out that their prized pieces of art have been sold to a museum in Denmark, they panic. Roger, Charles and George are left with 2 choices: move to Denmark or steal their precious artwork. Which do you think they choose? The title is not The Maiden of Denmark!

George takes the role of mastermind because of his military background serving in the 3rd wave of the invasion of Grenada or is it ‘Nam. He keeps tripping over his own story concerning his military training. You may doubt George’s military expertise when you see him rappel down a wall. Look Out Below!!!!

When Roger, Charles and George finally agree on their Ocean’s Eleven inspired plan for stealing their beloved artwork, they execute their strategy not with the smoothness of George Clooney’s Danny Ocean and Brad Pitt’s Rusty Ryan, but more like Moe, Larry and Curly.

Even though Roger, Charles and George act like the Three Stooges, they are not as funny as them. Morgan Freeman and Christopher Walken have been in comedies before, but they seem out of place in this one. This falls on the shoulders of Michael LeSieur for not writing anything funny for them to perform. Freeman and Walken are both Oscar winners. They have the talent to be funny like Freeman was in The Bucket List and Walken was in Wayne’s World 2. In The Maiden Heist they both just seem stiff and going through the motions.

William H. Macy seems the most at home in this adventure comedy being an old vet at playing screwball characters. Macy is the catalyst in the funniest scene in the movie when he leaps out of a wooden crate that he had been hiding in to the surprise of Charles, Roger and Roger’s wife Rose (Marcia Gay Harden, The Mist) wearing……I’m not going to tell you!!!

The comedy bits written by LeSieur are not that original. George hides in a wooden crate and Roger can’t find him. Rose is the overbearing wife that is the thorn in the side of Roger’s plan. By the way, nice accent delivered by Marcia Gay Harden. Too bad she wasn’t given more material to show her talent with.  When everything doesn’t go as planned, everybody freaks out. We have seen this in other movies and on TV which makes it feel old and stale.

While it may appear as though I really disliked The Maiden Heist, the truth is I am more disappointed by it. With the wealth of talent that was involved with this movie, I was expecting a lot more. I thought there would be a lot of laughs, but there were only a few amusing scenes that caused smiles and only one true scene that sparked a laugh.

If you are looking for security guard humor, I’d still recommend The Maiden Heist over the Night at the Museum movies. However, if you want a side-splitting comedy, I’d look elsewhere.

The Maiden Heist is now available on DVD. Click on the movie screen below to see a trailer.

Trailer