Dark FloorsAfter the credits began to roll across the screen, I stared straight ahead, mouth agape. This was not the good type of gawking. I had wasted one hour and twenty minutes of my life I would never be able to get back.

Dark Floors is directed by Pete Riski. The movie was released in Finland just this year. Prior to seeing this film, I had NO idea it was a film featuring a popular Finnish metal band called Lordi. This band is known for its insanely ridiculous getup of monster costumes. When I say insanely ridiculous, I don’t mean scary…I mean fit for the circus ridiculous.

Sarah (played by Skye Bennett) is a mentally troubled little girl. Her unstable condition is hardly discussed save for a scene in which nurse Emily (played by Dominique McElligott) brings about the subject of epilepsy (a disorder causing seizures). One can assume from the girl’s actions she is autistic. Sarah is basically handicapped and must be in a wheelchair. In order to occupy her fragile mind, her father Ben (played by Noah Huntley) allows her to draw pictures. Before the dastardly villains appear, Sarah is shown drawing the monstrous figures on her paper. Ben becomes irritated with the treatment of his daughter and decides (against the wishes of Emily) to attempt to leave the hospital. Ben, Sarah, and Emily board an elevator with a rich snob, a security guard, a homeless man, and another unimportant character.

Anyway, the elevator becomes stuck between the 6th and 7th floors (a cheesy nursery rhyme like something out of Grimm’s Fairy Tales soon follows). Once the doors finally open the hospital appears completely deserted, and the elevator occupants are baffled. Cue the non-appalling creatures from another realm. Surprise! It just so happens the elevator occupants SOMEHOW became trapped in a parallel universe with these hellish beasts. Ultimately, this movie wound up collapsing under its own weight. How could a movie such as Dark Floors begin with such promise and give way to this horrific pile of steaming cow dung?

Obviously the band member’s costumes were used to portray (computer effects were used) the evil villains Dark Floors. The visual effects were sometimes appealing but were mostly monotonous and obtuse. I have no idea what Riski was thinking! These villains were the farthest thing from being utterly terrifying. The closest thing to scary was the apparition I like to call The Screeching Woman. The only purpose she served was making my ears bleed–she was more annoying than scary.

As you may already tell, I believe the plot is absolutely asinine. However, I will give credit for Riski’s horrific atmosphere. Although the creatures failed to produce any scares, the deserted hospital, the darkened hallways, and the eerie musical score created the perfect horror movie setting. If the creatures had been…you know…scary, the film would have been so much better.

After the scene with the old lady in the motorized wheelchair, please stop the movie and take it back or walk out of the theater. That is as good as Dark Floors gets–it’s all downhill from there. It is films such as this that deserve an extra special space upon the abandoned shelf. The sole purpose of this sorry excuse for a film should be to collect dust.

***Dark Floors: 1/5 stars.***