Discovering a worthwhile horror comedy that is released directly to DVD is a gleeful moment for buffs of the genre like myself, and I think I discovered one of the scariest direct-to-DVD horror comedies released in years. The terrifying film Dead and Gone is available on DVD July 1.

Poor Jack Wade. His famous wife is in a coma and they are steadily running low on money. But Jack has an idea — he’ll bring his wife out to an isolated cabin deep in the mountains where he can finally put her body to rest for good and gain the assets he so desperately needs. However, this is the same cabin where a man murdered his family 40 years ago and it is rumored to be built on an Indian burial ground. Now, killing his wife isn’t as easy as he thought it would be.

Harry Shannon’s inaugural screenplay is put into the hands of first-time director Yossi Sasson. The producers and screenwriter evidently trusted this rookie director to bring Shannon’s insane ideas to life. I think it was this trust that elevated this picture and it’s clear that Sasson knew where to go with this concept and how to execute it.

Don’t rent this film expecting full-on horror. Although it does have quite a bit of blood-spewing action, it has its moments of dark humor wedged in. But this is humor so dry you probably will find yourself thinking it’s funny rather than laughing out loud. It gels horror with deadpan comedy very well by not making us burst into laughter. It mostly benefits from flashy imagery and fast motion sequences that polish the look, tighten the atmosphere, and ultimately scare the hell out of the viewers.

Quentin Jones proved his ability to carry a movie, bearing in mind that he was pretty much the highlight of the film. There are a few well done cameo appearances by Kyle Gass from the two-man band Tenacious D and horror regular Zack Ward who first made his appearance as a child actor in the film A Christmas Story as Scut Farcus. These cameo appearances aren’t anything special, but might satisfy the few fans they have. It’s a gooey surprise and a solid debut for both Harry Shannon and Yossi Sasson.

In the vein of The Shining and The Evil Dead, this white knuckle thrill-ride will have you on the edge of your seat from its gripping opening scene to its twisted finale. Hell, you just might fall off your seat. The last 25 minutes of the film are truly frightening and there are enough harrowing twists and turns to maintain the intrigue. It even has a tingling score with a light chuckle tweaked in occasionally. Not only does it have the ability to send chills up the spine, but it will also have you biting your nails down to the core.

Look for it when it hits the rental shelves on July 1 and you can thank me later. DVD special features include the featurette “Gone with the Dead: Behind the Scenes of Dead and Gone“, filmmakers’ commentary with director Yossi Sasson and writer Harry Shannon, deleted scenes, outtakes, and a trailer gallery. 4.5/5 stars

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Welcome to Central High, where everyone is treated with equal disrespect. Bullies roam the school’s premises in search of timid bystanders and beautiful women to molest. Fortunately we have our hero to save the day, or destroy it with his madman personality. A new kid who becomes agitated over the violence that these bullies inflict on innocent people decides to resort to violence himself to teach them a lesson.

Massacre at Central High sports a cast of unknown actors and actresses who willingly display full frontal nudity and end up getting killed in the process. Writer/director Rene Daalder’s first full length American feature isn’t a complete disaster, for it clearly has a classic feel to it. The constant use of frat boy violence, the transformation of a seemingly normal guy to one who exhibits outbursts of rage, and nearly farcical kills yield a mixture of a violent satire of Animal House, The Incredible Hulk (without the green), and classic slap-happy slasher flicks. It just doesn’t quite work and shouldn’t work with the ingredients provided.

The score here has to be the most ill-suited aspect of the entire film. It just seems that the usage of a violin could have given off a creepy vibe instead of a happy-go-lucky one. Those of you who are looking for a so-called classic with a no-budget effect similar to this one should go rent a film like Sleepaway Camp. The attempts at piling up corpses here are laughable and contrived, due to lack of effort. I do have a keen desire to like films with bad titles and the occasional unintentional laughter, but there is a line to be drawn and this movie crosses it one too many times.

The ending is a huge let-down and the whole experience was just strange and never quite engaging. Everything (the kills, the characters, the direction, etc.) plays out by the numbers and no new ideas are thrown into the mix, leading to a cliched execution.

If you can get past the helpless beginning, unfit score, and wretched line reading, you might be able to find a splash of guilty pleasure here and there. Just don’t count on it. The film never pushes its otherwise respectable concept to its limits and ends up being a film that (just by reading the title) gives you insight on what you’re in for. It’s an instantly forgettable and comically bad film that might possibly have a following considering the interest in revenge films, but I just don’t see it being big enough to develop a fan base. 1.5/5 stars

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I managed to get a exclusive look at the upcoming film The Mutant Chronicles, blasting its way into theaters some time in 2008. The exact release date is unknown as of this writing, but it’s certain that it will be some time this year. The big question is whether or not it is worth the time and price of admission.

During the 23rd century, a soldier by the name of Mitch Hunter (Thomas Jane) guides an army of fierce fighters to battle underground mutants after opening a seal to an ancient creation. This creation is a machine known to turn humans into blade-slinging mutants determined to wipe out mankind. It is up to Mitch and his fierce army to save the world. Quite possibly the first ever pen-and-paper-role-playing-game-turned-movie, The Mutant Chronicles is surprisingly satisfying.

Loud, exciting, very funny, and brutally entertaining, it just might be the action film of the year — a movie full of great fight scenes, excitement around every corner, and visually arresting set designs that will hold even the most cynical viewer’s interest. Truthfully, it is the most fun I’ve had at the movies in a long time.

Sporting an A-list action cast that includes Ron Perlman (Hellboy) and Thomas Jane (The Punisher), it is sure to please a certain targeted audience that has a lust for action and a strong appetite for gore. The thrills, the shocks, and the sheer enjoyment of going to the movies is all there and in full, ass-kicking form.

But don’t get me wrong, readers, this isn’t a masterpiece. It does have its glitches like underdeveloped characters, loads of commentary, and Ron Perlman’s acting (which is nearly laughable). Not to mention the small cameo appearance from John Malkovich was unnecessary and could’ve saved the filmmakers a few bucks by casting an unknown actor for this role. Things like that are giving the movie a bad rep after its premier at the Cannes Film Festival. However, there are enough adrenaline-charged moments to flush out these glitches and make for pure entertainment.

In the final act, we get to see Hellboy and The  Punisher go head-to-head in a battle to the death. It’s an exhilarating moment added to the tons of violence beforehand and a great finish to a spectacular fusion of sci-fi, action, horror, and comedy. The Mutant Chronicles is an authentic film and certainly worth the admission price, popcorn and all. 4.5/5 stars

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Director: Roland Joffè
Starring: Elisha Cuthbert

The Premise: This new offering from the Torture Porn genre is about a lonely Top Model who is drugged, kidnapped, and forced to endure her worst fears.

The Good: Joffè does a good job of creating tension and suspense. He gives a grainy, low-budget feel to the action that serves to build up the fear in both the viewer and the victim, Jennifer (Cuthbert). Sadly, that’s the only praise this appalling film deserves.

The Bad: Where’s the plot? No, seriously, where is it? Do the killers have a motive other than pure desire for the kill? It’s never really explained. The random, out-of-place flashback to the killers’ childhood does little more than add an extra layer of twisted evil to the story. It serves no purpose. And for a Torture Porn film, there’s surprisingly little torture endured by the victim. The killers are playing a game—that much is established—but there’s no explanation. There’s not much of anything, to be honest. The victim seems to spend more time sleeping than she does being scared. You spend the entire ninety minutes waiting for something truly horrific to happen—as you would expect from a film in this genre—and then come away angry that you’ll never get that time back.

Overall Verdict: Considering Joffè was once Oscar-worthy, this is a very poor offering indeed. If you like Torture Porn, re-watch the Saw franchise. Don’t waste your time on this.

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Directed by: Marc Schoelermann.

Starring: Milo Ventimiglia as Ted Grey, Michael Weston as Jake Gallo, Alyssa Milano as Gwen Williamson, and Lauren Lee Smith as Juliette Bath.

Is there a doctor in the house? Okay, so Pathology deals with the other kind of doctor–the medical examiner. Pathology takes place in the ever dreaded morgue of a popular hospital. With gore abound and almost flawless execution, Marc Schoelermann creates a film to die for.

Ted Grey is an anatomy prodigy with wit that goes virtually unmatched. He joins a group of medical school students in residency and is quickly cast as an outsider due to his immense knowledge of gross human anatomy. He then meets the egotistical head honcho of the group Jake Gallo. After going on a drunken tour de slums (with Jake) in which Ted meets an immoral body guard and an even more immoral prostitute grandmother, Ted is shocked to discover the body of body guard in the morgue the next day. Of course, in his drunken stupor Ted wound up blacking out and can’t remember anything, but he does suspect Jake had something to do with the ghastly murder. This is where the game begins. Jake asks Ted to meet him back at the hospital later that evening. After meeting in front of the elevators, Jake takes Ted down to a sequestered wing of the hospital. In the abandoned surgical room lies the corpse of the body guard with a few fellow members of the residency team. Jake explains to Ted the object of the game is to commit the perfect murder. From then on, Dr. Ted Grey is sucked into a deadly game of wits, skill, and sexual temptation. The consequences of his actions are dramatic and heartbreaking. Ted Grey pays the ultimate price…but so does Jake Gallo.

Pathology isn’t your typical brain dead gore horror flick. This film’s dialogue is uniquely intelligent, thoughtful, and downright cunning. Take this snippet of a quote from Professor Dr. Morris as an example:  “You will see the perversion, the corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural. And then we will work backwards, always back to that original pristine design, to determine the affecting cause of death.” The aforementioned quote is completely ironic given the plot of the film. Aside from its irony, the quote (there are many more like them) serves as a prime example for the intellectual dialogue one will discover while watching this film.

What I find to be extremely brilliant is how the film preys upon a common human weakness. When we hear of a registered sex offender molesting and murdering a child or a drug dealer selling dope while his/her kid watches helplessly from a nearby car, it is in our human nature to desire vigilante justice. We actually want to see these types of atrocities avenged! If the law were not holding us back, think of how many people would play judge and jury. Pathology may seem like a zany and nonsensical film, but it leaves the lingering questions for your subconscious to solve. This is what makes Pathology so psychologically terrifying!

Pathology possesses the twisted games and gore from the Saw series and the secluded secret group up to no good from films such as Fight Club. This film is nothing short of a stomach-churning psychological rollercoaster ride. Once you slip the DVD into your player and begin watching, I guarantee you will be entertained throughout. Come on, give Pathology a chance…it will leave you scared stiff.

***4.5 out of 5 stars***

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Teeth: if you pay attention to horror news at all you know it is the “movie where the girl’s vagina has teeth.” I’ll tell you my thoughts after having watched it and whether or not it lives up to its campy premise and festival circuit buzz, being out on DVD.

Teeth was directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein and the female lead was done by Jess Weixler. The plot, as plucked from IMDB: “High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad’s increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.”

At first the movie almost feels like someone attempting to tap into the same quirky vibe present in a Tim Burton movie. It’s hard to explain why, since there weren’t elaborate fantasy sets or Johnny Depp with a funky hair-do, but it just felt that way. Yet, at the same time the director, who also wrote the film, put his own stamp on it. There is a reason Tim Burton’s stamp is way more valuable though; another thing that cannot be explained and is best felt; ha. The set-up in Teeth is a long one punch joke, meaning everything in the characters lives seems to be about repressed sexual urges, literally every conversation, situation, or shot has something to do with sex; even the holes in trees are lingered on for too long to seem like bodily orifice replicas. The joke is good for a bit, but wears thin really quick.

So, you get moved on from the humor and set up and get into the crucial turning point of things: the rape scene. The problem with the first violent attack of vagina teeth is the fact that 99% of people going to see this movie already know this is going to happen. Thus, all the power of the scene is truly lost and when you should be getting pulled out of the boring stupor that the set-up dropped you into you are instead just yawning some more. Eventually I wanted to fast forward.

The gore in this movie is quite explicit, if you’ve ever wanted shots of  severed penises and penis stumps spurting blood: you’ll be pleased. However, the horror movie devices used in this film along with the campy way it is executed steals away from the meat of things which is the coming of age story involving the girl. Yes, this was a very creative way to tell such a tale, but overall it ends up as just a gimmick style film, or as a I stated a long joke with a redundantly used punch line.

On the acting front of things Jess Weixler is quite interesting with a wide range of facial gestures that make her fun to watch. She does look quite a bit like Heather Graham, but fresher. The actor who played her demented brother in the film was equally interesting to see: John Hensley.

Final thoughts: You’re probably going to want to see this just to be able to say you saw the vagina with teeth movie. (no you do not get any shots of the vagina) Aside from some interesting actors and a few campy jokes, this movie gets boring by the halfway mark and even though there is a wonderfully creepy old man in the ending, you may find yourself fast forwarding through the rest of the penis decapitations to get there.

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Untraceable was directed by Gregory Hoblit, who also directed the thriller Fracture. The movie follows an FBI cyber crime unit as they try to stop a new breed of killer. Someone is killing people live on the internet, devising the murders in a way that the more website visits he gets the quicker the victim dies; essentially making curious internet surfers accomplices to murder. The movie stars Diane Lane, Billy Burke, and Colin Hanks.

To start out with: the movie has lots of bad dialog, the actors cannot be to blame for the stale way in which they deliver such lines. However, I was able to push past such things and “go with the flow.” In this way I was able to indeed find entertainment value. The director sets a solid moody tone with darkness and visual shots which were the main thing that kept me into the film regardless of my initially not being impressed with the dialog. The tension and action is built up quite well.

The premise is an intriguing one, which many automatically want to chalk up to as being a gimmick to become preachy on the way society acts towards violence in the new age of internet media and how people will watch snuff films such as beheadings and or suicides  without thinking how this affects the families of the victims. People would visit the killer’s website to see someone die, whether or not they knew he was a good guy with a family. I thought the obvious morality message was not preached too heavily and was handled fairly well.

People who cannot help but pick apart logic flaws, especially computer savvy or chemical savvy folks, will probably not get as much enjoyment out of this movie. Why did the battery acid melt through skin and bone, but not the plastic ties binding his arms? There are lots of liberties taken and unrealistic scenarios. However, if you hop into this ride just looking for some entertainment: it is a worthy rental. The only thing I will caution viewers about though is the gore factor. The deaths in this movie are fairly brutal and gory ala skin getting melted off and such.

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Director Patrick Rea of SenoReality Pictures sent me a copy of one of his latest short films: PAINT SHAKER. The story was written by Jon Niccum.

SenoReality is based out of Kansas, so naturally The Wizard of Oz has a special place in their movie-loving hearts. Or at least as displayed in Paint Shaker has a place in their philosophical ponderings and curiosity. The film is introduced by bringing to one’s attention the moment within the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and pals are getting ready to go get the Wicked Witch and the Scarecrow of all things is seen holding a gun. Most people have probably overlooked this aspect of detail without pondering: where did he get a gun? Google it, you’ll find all sorts of explanations and theory.

Paint Shaker, though approached with some artsy meaning that can be open to the viewers interpretation, (for example: one person I viewed it with was completely baffled as to what the point was or what it could have meant, whereas another one was given too much that he could elaborate upon endlessly) the basic premise of the film revolves around three employees at a hardware store, their boss, and then an employee that was fired, returning with a shotgun.

The picture quality of Paint Shaker is high class, though there is a lot of blurring effect used, ala things in the background are a blur when your attention is to be on the actors at the forefront. Not being a filmmaker myself I cannot say whether this was an artistic choice being toyed with or if it was making due with the budget and equipment. All I can say is that it did not bother me and looked good for an Indie production.

The violence of the movie is counter balanced with funny little bits that are every day life cute and identifiable. One character is looking to get Saturday off, whereas another refuses to cover for him because he is planning to spend quality time with a video game, and when the disgruntled guy with the gun comes into the store one character is more fascinated than scared as the shooting begins.

It all ends with a serious murder suicide situation turning out at least one positive benefit for one character and some things for him to briefly ponder about life. However, the depth can overall be seen as a touch of reality, these are the random thoughts that go through our minds, these are the horrible events that take place everyday, and this is the quirky humor with which we take it all in stride.

This is a short to be checked out if you find a place to do so, currently if you want to check out other works by Patrick Rea stop in at their webpage www.senoreality.com or they are on YOUTUBE

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The plot for Otis involves a man who kidnaps young girls and forces them to act out his high school fantasy of taking them to the prom and getting lucky afterwards. He doesn’t seem to have much luck and has gone through and had to kill five girls, but his latest seems promising. Until she escapes and her family decides to cut the authorities out of the loop when it comes to justice and how they would like it served.

The movie is a comedy, a satire if you will, of the torture horror genre, along with the all too common psychopaths and their actions in reality. The important thing for this horror movie then isn’t being scary, but rather: is it funny? Indeed it is, many chuckles to be had throughout.

The cast features some notable names such as Daniel Stern, Illeana Douglas, and Kevin Pollack. However, it is the title character that really steals the show: Otis as played by Bostin Christopher. Yes, he is sick and demented, yet at the same time there are sequences where you actually feel almost sorry for him, one specifically involves dancing under a disco ball while his captive tries to remain terrified and not grin. This acting leads a hint of reality based identifiably to the story and characters and is then counterbalanced with completely absurd characters such as the FBI agent with an 8% recovery rate. The absurd is mixed just right though and brings the joke full circle.

The only issue I had was with the “joke” itself. The movie plays like one joke with many facets, but ultimately the same joke: laugh at this disturbing situation. This causes some drag and instead of fast paced action I started finding my mind wandering. It never got too boring though and each set piece was enjoyable, even if some were too long. Other than that I’ve got a television that for some reason amplifies music in movies and there was a lot of music laced throughout that seemed overkill at times, yet a perfect fit others. So, what does this mean? It means nothing is perfect, but Otis was a pretty good flick!

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America has grown fond of remaking Japanese horror movies a mere years after their release in their own country and if there’s one thing I can say for them it’s that they’re not getting worse. Off the top of my head I’m going to start the trend with The Ring and after that became a huge success you started getting The Grudge, The Grudge 2, The Ring 2, One Missed Call, and Shutter. I’m sure I’m missing many but the ones named will serve my point. Now after The Ring which I absolutely adored, the movies shot downhill. The Grudge was horrible and after that none of the movies raised the bar. None of them ever really got worse than the last but the only reason for that is that all of them have followed the exact same formula as the last. They all must have a scary Japanese girl with long black hair, they all must have some foreboding imagery (photographs, telephone calls, VCR’s), and disturbing scenes. Shutter does not break this tradition.

The film stars Joshua Jackson and Rachel Taylor who previously had starred in Transformers and tells the story of their life as newlyweds who start being followed by a mysterious spirit that begins appearing in all of their photographs. This girl appears to be the same girl that they ran over a while after their wedding and she seems to want revenge. Now the plot is very thin, even for one of ‘these’ movies, and the acting for the most part falls flat. However, what really gets me about this movie is how completely they seem to rip off The Ring.

Now I’ve mentioned before that all of these movies follow a similar… ok an exact formula, but this just takes it to a whole other level. The actress is made to look almost exactly like Naomi Watts in the Ring but that can be passed as coincidental, what can’t be passed is this; Remember the scene in The Ring where Rachel walks up to the dead guy in the chair after Samara has killed him? His back is turned to Rachel, there’s a huge puddle of water on the floor near him, and she slowly walks up to him and reaches for his shoulder. Well it’s as if the director felt he could pull this off as well by placing everything in the exact same place in Shutter and just switching the actors. The scene was such a rip off that you could somehow consider it an homage as a defense, but not a good one.

The film has very few scares scattered throughout it’s runtime and I found myself checking my watch constantly and groaning that I had only sat through forty five minutes when it felt like two hours had passed, even for a remake this is a horrible sign. The film drags forever and moves at a glacial pace to lead up to a dull, predictable, and laughable ending. Of course we get some deaths along the way but nothing really interesting, and nothing that hasn’t been done before. I found myself bored to death the entire time and found nearly no enjoyment in watching this movie. In fact if anything it made me want to go home and watch The Ring. This movie was a complete disappointment just like all the other movies of it’s kind and I give it a resounding 1.5/5

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“Plastic. I’m talking to a plastic tree.”

Oh boy.

The sixth film by writer/director M. Night Shyamalan is undeniably different than his previous five films. For starters, it is the first film that has recieved a ‘R’ rating, and it’s also (surprisingly) a film without any attempt for his trademark twist ending. There’s no attempt to fool you or to pull something from behind an invisible curtain. In his previous films, Shyamalan had a gift for setting things up and layering the events of the movie in such a way that we were surprised by the ending. Everything was important and so every scene was crucial. That is not the case in his latest paranoid thriller, The Happening, which explains the great mystery of what’s going on very early in the film, and the movie suffers greatly as a result.

The film focuses on a high school science teacher, Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg), and his estrainged wife, Alma (Zooey Deschanel) as they try to protect a young girl (Ashlyn Sanchez) while on the run from a mysterious natural threat to humanity. An event starts in Central Park where people suddenly become disoriented and lose motor functions and then finally feel compelled to kill themselves in any variety of horrible ways. Theories spread about what could be causing it, the first theory being that it’s a chemical attack by terrorists. A panic ensues and in Philadelphia, Elliot and Alma join Julian (John Leguizamo) and his daughter, Jess (Sanchez) on the first available train out of the city. Shortly later, reports come in that Boston and Philadelphia have both been hit by the same threat and then the conductor of the train loses contact with the outside world and stops the train in a small Pennsylvania town, leaving Elliot, Alma and the rest of the passengers to fend for themselves. Julian leaves Jess with Elliot and Alma as he hitches a ride to go search for his wife, and the three of them go on the run as they try to figure out whats going on and how to survive it.

The Happening is a truely bizzare film. It is very reminescent of the 1950’s apocalyptic paranoid thriller’s about the end of the world or alien invaders. Most noticably, the writing doesn’t seem as polished as in his previous films. I know I am in the minority, but I enjoyed Lady in the Water and think Shyamalan took a step backwards with this film. Litterally about 1/3 of the way into the movie you’re told what’s going on, that it has something to do with the wind and another thing I won’t divulge here. So, from that point on we’re not as scared, both because of what it is and because the mystery is gone. The movie relies on scare moments and the acting of the main characters, which is extremely wierd and hard to watch at times. Mark Wahlberg plays his role with two basic expressions, worrying and thinking about worrying and does both with the same basic intense look on his face. It’s painful to see a great actor reduced to playing an unconvincing teacher with the emotional range of a wet sack.

Perhaps the moment where I started to lose faith in the film is where Elliot and Alma are walking along in a field with other survivors and Alma confesses having gone on a date with another guy she met at work. Firstly, she does it so mousey and so mumbly that it just seems wierd and ungenuine. Then Mark Wahlberg’s reaction is basically to breathe heavily for a moment and cheesily say “You lied to me?” and then continue walking without another word. I’m sorry, but especially under the stressful situation they’re in, any guy would’ve screamed at his wife at that point, or had some reaction. They both just seem so unbelievable in the movie. Don’t get me wrong, both Wahlberg and Deschanel are amazing actors on any other day, but both played there parts in this movie very cardboard like. Maybe that’s what Shyamalan wanted, maybe it was on purpose and it was for some unknown reason that escaped me, but I didn’t like it. Deschanel’s role is attempted to be explained away as her having trouble expressing herself and her emotions to others, but that doesn’t help her performance any. She has the biggest and among the most beautiful blue eyes in hollywood, but they spend most of the movie in an prolonged hightened sense of terror, often for no reason.

Then there’s the needless attempt for a ‘R’ rated horror film, probably just to advertise the movie as Shymalan’s first. Take out a few gory scenes and the film is essentially ‘PG’. However, the horror scenes are quite graphic, sometimes needlessly so and I often found myself missing the more subtle horror in his previous ‘PG-13′ films, which to me was much more terrifying because we were allowed the ability to see what we wanted and essentially scared ourselves. Here it is just all there for us to see. Blood and gore and all. The scenes depicting humans killing themselves in all sorts of different methods are quite disturbing and horrible, as they should be, but the looming big picture threat wasn’t pulled off as well, and often came off as just silly nonsense. Also, the threat occurs so early in the film, that the main characters are essentially on the run the entire film and that gets old after awhile. There’s nothing worse than a 90 minute film with 45 minutes of worthwhile storytelling to accomplish. 

Threat and acting aside, I do like where the movie ended up, and the messages it got across. Besides the obvious one, which will be apparent when you see the movie, I quite liked another scene near the end of the movie, which was the only honest and well written scene in my opinion. Elliot and Alma are in seperate rooms talking to one another thru a pipe in the ground as the looming threat is outside. They start talking about there first date and how Elliot bought her a mood ring, and they begin recalling what each color meant when they looked it up. Finally Alma asks Elliot if he remembers which color stood for love, and he answers very honestly and tenderly, “I don’t remember.”  It echoes beautifully the estraingement between husband and wife and the distance that has grown between them. That scene has layers to it, and its probably only 2 minutes long and was a great subtle message within the overall message of the movie. It’s a shame that Shymalan appears to have been more focused on shock value with the death scenes and not on writing the usually well written and character driven films we’ve become usued to seeing in the past.

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Vagina dentata–Latin for toothed vagina. Does this not sound incredibly insane? Mitchell Lichtenstein directs this amazingly fresh piece of gore horror mixed with undertones of black comedy. The main character Dawn is flawlessly executed by Jess Weixler, and Dawn’s brother Brad is played by Nip/Tuck star John Hensley. Teeth takes place in your typical quaint neighborhood (which ironically offsets Dawn’s atypical condition), but Dawn’s life is anything but typical.

The movie begins with a panoramic view of the quiet neighborhood but don’t get too comfortable yet. Lichtenstein quickly delves into the obscene having Brad and Dawn play in a kiddie pool as children. Brad, being the distraught and eccentric child, exposes himself to his younger sister and then asks Dawn to expose herself. Brad is bitten on the finger after attempting to molest her. Teeth fastforwards to Dawn’s teenage years where promiscuous sex has become the epitome of teenage pop culture. Dawn, however, is waiting to devote herself to her knight in shining armor (after getting married, of course). This changes when she meets Tobey (played by Hale Appleman). Dawn attempts to brainwash herself with reoccurring thoughts of purity, but the hormonal temptation between the two teens is just too much. What starts out as innocent kissing quickly spirals out of control. Ultimately, Dawn becomes a target for male domination. Tobey’s dominance endeavor falls short after his penis is bitten in half…by Dawn’s vagina. Obviously Dawn is apalled with her vaginal “adaptation” and decides to research her particular ailment. This is the part where Dawn discovers she is living proof of a widespread cultural myth. Her vagina happens to possess teeth closely related to those of a shark (a scene with two doctors relays this bit of information), however, the crown/enamel is most similar to a human. Many more “accidents” occur as Dawn slowly slips from the world of the prudes into the world of the sexually active.

The tagline for this film is nothing short of genius. “Every rose has its thorns” perfectly captures the essence of Teeth with symbolic wit. When we think of roses we think of love, of innocence, of purity. This depicts Dawn’s character before she becomes a sex machine. The “thorn” could very well symbolize Dawn’s vaginal dentata condition, but it could also represent Dawn’s virtuous life spiraling out of control. The tagline in itself is enough to make you grab this DVD off the shelf and take a peek.

Now for my favorite part…the gore. Although you never catch a glimpse of the toothed vagina, there are plenty of severed bloody penises abound for the average gore whore to get their kicks. Will it make a guy queasy? Oh, most certainly, but that’s what’s so great about it! This movie is one parable every man should watch no matter how painful. The men Dawn engages with present a false facade only to morph into a man that fits the common male stereotype (that most men are jackasses). Little do they know Dawn is prepared for the ultimate revenge. The lesson of the film? Don’t mess with innocence…and don’t piss girls like Dawn off at all.

Teeth gives a fantastically fresh face to the horror genre and should instantly become a cult classic amongst the youth. Some may say the story drags a bit. Nevertheless, the film did not disappoint as I was entertained for the entire duration. I was extremely surprised this film did not receive a NC-17 rating, but nowadays a PG movie can slip a curse word or two. However, this film does push the envelope (that’s why I love it). See this smash hit and brag to your friends how you were able to sit through the entire thing.

***4/5 stars***

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After the credits began to roll across the screen, I stared straight ahead, mouth agape. This was not the good type of gawking. I had wasted one hour and twenty minutes of my life I would never be able to get back.

Dark Floors is directed by Pete Riski. The movie was released in Finland just this year. Prior to seeing this film, I had NO idea it was a film featuring a popular Finnish metal band called Lordi. This band is known for its insanely ridiculous getup of monster costumes. When I say insanely ridiculous, I don’t mean scary…I mean fit for the circus ridiculous.

Sarah (played by Skye Bennett) is a mentally troubled little girl. Her unstable condition is hardly discussed save for a scene in which nurse Emily (played by Dominique McElligott) brings about the subject of epilepsy (a disorder causing seizures). One can assume from the girl’s actions she is autistic. Sarah is basically handicapped and must be in a wheelchair. In order to occupy her fragile mind, her father Ben (played by Noah Huntley) allows her to draw pictures. Before the dastardly villains appear, Sarah is shown drawing the monstrous figures on her paper. Ben becomes irritated with the treatment of his daughter and decides (against the wishes of Emily) to attempt to leave the hospital. Ben, Sarah, and Emily board an elevator with a rich snob, a security guard, a homeless man, and another unimportant character.

Anyway, the elevator becomes stuck between the 6th and 7th floors (a cheesy nursery rhyme like something out of Grimm’s Fairy Tales soon follows). Once the doors finally open the hospital appears completely deserted, and the elevator occupants are baffled. Cue the non-appalling creatures from another realm. Surprise! It just so happens the elevator occupants SOMEHOW became trapped in a parallel universe with these hellish beasts. Ultimately, this movie wound up collapsing under its own weight. How could a movie such as Dark Floors begin with such promise and give way to this horrific pile of steaming cow dung?

Obviously the band member’s costumes were used to portray (computer effects were used) the evil villains Dark Floors. The visual effects were sometimes appealing but were mostly monotonous and obtuse. I have no idea what Riski was thinking! These villains were the farthest thing from being utterly terrifying. The closest thing to scary was the apparition I like to call The Screeching Woman. The only purpose she served was making my ears bleed–she was more annoying than scary.

As you may already tell, I believe the plot is absolutely asinine. However, I will give credit for Riski’s horrific atmosphere. Although the creatures failed to produce any scares, the deserted hospital, the darkened hallways, and the eerie musical score created the perfect horror movie setting. If the creatures had been…you know…scary, the film would have been so much better.

After the scene with the old lady in the motorized wheelchair, please stop the movie and take it back or walk out of the theater. That is as good as Dark Floors gets–it’s all downhill from there. It is films such as this that deserve an extra special space upon the abandoned shelf. The sole purpose of this sorry excuse for a film should be to collect dust.

***Dark Floors: 1/5 stars.***

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Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan
Written by: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo

Lets begin by addressing M. Night Shyamalan’s career. I don’t really understand all the hate. Yes, he has made two bad movies in a row (Two!! That’s twice as many as one!). This was all the more disappointing because he made 3 great movies previous to the duds. I just don’t get how people can lose faith so quickly. What’s more perplexing is The Happening is, according to Rotten Tomatoes.com, his worst received film yet. Maybe, I’m missing something. I just call ‘em as I see ‘em, and what I see is a brilliant, original film maker who has done more good than bad with his art. Perhaps The Sixth Sense attracted too much attention. Perhaps there would be less hate if he had a smaller following. In an odd way, his movies are small and quiet. Rare is action or any Hollywood influence a part of his projects. Shyamalan makes movies about supernatural happenings, and it’s effect on real people. Usually he focuses on his characters above all else. This is not the case here, yes there is character development abound, but the “world event” occurring is what’s important.

One morning in Central Park, NY, people abruptly halt and begin to commit suicide. The bizarre epidemic spreads throughout the north-eastern states. When Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg, unconvincing as a school teacher) gets word of this, he gets his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel), and his friend/colleague Julian (John Leguizamo) who has a daughter named Jess, and they skip town via train. The train stops in the middle of nowhere, and hope of survival becomes less and less possible.

One surprise is that there’s no surprise. There’s no trademark twist here. Shyamalan could have kept what’s killing everyone a secret until the end. It would have been a larger shock, but knowing early on benefits the experience. We are able to dwell on what’s happening, yes indeed, The Happening is thought-provoking. Message aside, the film truly excels at creating suspense and occasional terror. Beginning with the stellar opening credits, a suspenseful mood is created. It is sustained until even after the movie ends. Seeing people needlessly take their own lives is everything it should be; saddening, horrifying, and disturbing. It’s smart, it’s scary, and best of all it’s plausible within the real world. The Happening is terrific entertainment.

The acting is a bit strange. Both Wahlberg and Deschanel seem a bit stiff, and their delivery is occasionally silly. It’s so obvious that I find it impossible to believe they didn’t notice this during filming. To be honest, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, in the case of Wahlberg, I find it appealing. The supporting cast is very solid, especially all the strangers our heroes run into.

The Happening has a strong start, a strong middle and a strong conclusion with scares along the way. James Newton Howard’s score is great, and really sets the tone. The acting is questionable, but it’s not too damaging. M. Night Shyamalan has had a rough streak, but it ends here. He has written and directed a thoughtful and spectacular suspense picture that also manages to be a powerful parable. Highly recommended.

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The Happening is the latest from director M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense). I’ve enjoyed most of his past work (including Lady in the Water). I wanted to see this without knowing too much about the film. So on Thursday afternoon I turned off my RSS feeder and pretty much avoided the Internet like a plague. Armed only with the knowledge of the previews, I watched The Happening Saturday afternoon.

The story follows Elliot and Alma Moore (played by Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel), a couple living in Philadelphia, the setting of most of Shyamalan’s films. A catastrophe strikes in New York, causing large numbers of people to commit suicide. Fearing the growing threat, Elliot and Alma flee Philadelphia in an attempt to escape the attack.

The Happening has a peculiar balance between humor, seriousness, and the morbid. The film was advertised as M. Night Shyamalan’s first film with an R-rating (”for violent and disturbing images”), which I think ended up being a problem for the film. Many people have compared him to Alfred Hitchcock (”the master of suspense”), and rightly so. In previous films, Shyamalan has worked well in the PG-13-rating. He’s great at introducing suspense and startling the audience. Think of the sprinklers in Lady in the Water. With his latest film, however, the horror is just…there. There were suspensful moments that I liked (the trees, he tracking shot with the policeman and the cars, etc.), but a good deal of it seemed there just to justify the rating than advance the story.

The acting in the film didn’t do it for me, either. Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, two good actors I might add (Think The Depareted and All the Real Girls), just didn’t seem to fit. Should we blame the acting or the script? I don’t know. Coupled with that is the on-the-nose dialgue.

I liked the relationship between their characters. The change in Zooey’s character from the beginning to the end is especially intriging to me. I would have loved to see more development between their characters.

Now I loved the concept of the film. The idea behind the film. It’s so fantastic, but it’s also somewhat believable, which is a feat in itself. As far as the story is concerned, I also loved the way it ended. A really nice touch.

I guess it boils down to how much M. Night Shyamalan was trying to make The Happening feel like a classic “B” disaster flick and how much of it just didn’t work. Maybe I need to watch more movies like Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Thing.

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Ladies, hold on to your boyfriends!  This is one terrifying movie!!  I, for one, cannot remember a time when I have screamed so loud in a movie theater.  Literally clutching the armrest, screaming!!  I really feel that those who dismiss this film as overrated and not all that effective are, quite simply, victims of their own pseudo-intellectual over-hype: they were scared, they just won’t admit it because that will bring them down to the level of the masses and their egos will not tolerate that.

Kristen (Liv Tyler) and James (Scott Speedman) return to James’s family vacation home late one night after a friend’s wedding.  Clearly he proposed and she did not accept and the resulting tension is evident.  He drowns his sorrow in ice cream, she takes a bath, they almost have make-up sex but are interrupted by a knock at the door (weird, since it’s 4am).  In a line that will become legendary in horror film buff circles, a girl at the door asks:

“Is Tamara home?”

Of course, they inform her she has the wrong house.  Again, weird, but things like this do happen, so not much thought is attributed to this episode and James ventures out to fetch Kristen some more cigarettes.  She will need them.  I needed them.

From this moment on, strap in.  The roller coaster does not let up for the next hour.

First time director Bryan Bertino hand delivers the suspense and stages his scenes in such a way that a lot of the time we, the audience, know more that the characters do.  For instance, we know well before Liv that she is not alone in that house.  The record player skips, the smoke detector is not where she left it, the phone lines are cut, etc.  We see masked figures moving in and out of the frame like ghosts, quietly stalking their prey, until…..that first “scream” moment.  And, boy is it a doozie!!! 

One of the things, among many, that Bertino gets right is characterization.  Kristen and James are not your standard horror movie dummies.  They are real people, not script inventions.  They don’t have the standard issue movie problems, such as repressed abusive childhood memories, daddy issues, or traumatic high school experiences.  They are real.  The situation they find themselves in is real.  Same goes for the psychopathic intruders.  They are not super-human, possessing extraordinary strength and ability to walk through walls, or what have you.  The whole film bases itself in earthbound reality and that, I think, is why it is so effective and downright scary.  It is just real people trapped in the real woods being stalked and terrorized by real psychos. 

Some people in reviews I have read have found fault with the script.  I didn’t mind so much, not only because it is not the film’s rasion d’etre, but because what the characters say is true to the situation.  Next time you find yourself in a circumstance when you are scared out of your mind, flip on a tape recorder and listen to it later (provided there is a later), and see how you sound.  Would you make sense?  Would you use big, Hollywood script-worthy words?  Or would you, more than likely, spew whatever came out of your fear-stained mouth at that moment?  This is not a literary movie where enormous emphasis is spent on the dialogue, but a horror movie, where characters should speak out of fear, not necessarily reason.  All motivations and details in the film are true to the circumstance and the characters, and as a result, ‘The Strangers’ bypasses the expected “stupid horror movie people” scenario moviegoers in this day and age have come to expect.

As far as performances go (there are only 6 people in the movie, not counting the two young boys who bookend the film), all of the actors perform far better than they are expected to.  Liv Tyler…who knew??  Not only is she a first-rate scream-queen, but she is able to register fear and dread with an extraordinary expressiveness.  Remembering my acting years, one thing I do know is that it is not easy to convey emotions and “act” with little or no dialogue.  That she is able to do so as effectively as she does is a testament to her talent, only sparingly utilized thus far in her career.  Scott Speedman, he of the ‘Underworld’ movies, plays the male lead as someone who has probably tried to be all alpha-male his whole life, but who is really just a big kid who can cry when he gets his feelings hurt.  This vulnerability suits the character well and, again, although he is given a bit more dialogue, he is able to register both the fear and the uncertainty that James feels during the episode.  Mention must be made of the three intruders (Kip Weeks, Gemma Ward, Laura Margolis) as well.  While given hardly any dialogue at all, and their faces hidden behind creepy masks, no less, the three of them manage to inhabit the psychos and, via the way in which they walk, turn their heads ever so slowly, move in and out of Bertino’s compositions, scare the ever-loving CRAP out of us!!

As a debuting feature director, Bertino shows incredible promise.  He knows his way around a horror movie, that’s for sure.  On the basis of ‘The Strangers’ alone,
America can look forward to a talented and unique new filmmaker, delivering product that is just this side of mainstream.  I just hope his head doesn’t start to swell and he ends up as another affected M. Night, churning out piffle like ‘The Village’ and ‘Lady in the Water.’  Now that would be the only thing scarier than ‘The Strangers.’

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