Directed by: Glen Morgan.

 Starring: Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Crystal Lowe, and Lacey Chabert.

The instant slasher flick classic is back with a vengeance. With more gore than you can shake a stick at, the campy atmosphere and tone will never bore you to pieces.

When a crazed spree killer (Billy Lenz is the name) escapes from the local mental facility, an oblivious group of sorority girls are busy “burying the hatchet” on Christmas day. Little do they know the afflicted murderer is returning to the house in which the sorority resides. As each girl meets an untimely and  death, the few survivors are left to huddle in fear and concern for the missing sisters.

There is something about this movie that is just awesome. It is one of those cheesy slasher flicks you can watch over and over and never get tired of it. The pace of the movie is extremely well done. There is hardly ever a dull moment. If the movie isn’t showing the killer finding some immensely disturbing method of slaughtering his innocent victims, it is flashing back to the killer’s shocking and melancholy childhood. Expect a fast and wild ride for almost a full hour and a half with Black Christmas.

Black Christmas, however corny you may think it is, does provide a somewhat decent twist. Is there one killer? Is there more than one killer? Could someone be pulling a whole-hearted attempt at giving these girls a heart attack? I spent the duration of the movie pointing out suspect characters. I became infatuated with Eve being the killer’s sister AND daughter Agnes (yes, you read that correctly) but was disappointed to find Eve being just another pawn in the killer’s game.

I enjoyed the over-the-top gore and was chilled to the bone with Billy’s childhood story. There are definitely flaws in this movie (jabbing a guard in the head with a half-eaten candy cane?), but they’re the kind of flaws that are silly and still enjoyable. Billy’s skin tone was an awful neon yellow because of a liver condition at birth. This skin color was extremely exaggerated and bothered me a bit. If you’re expecting provocative dialogue or a meaningful/life-changing movie, I would skip this one. This movie is for true gore horror fans who bask in the campy and cheesy aspects of all slasher films.

***4/5 stars***

Directed by: Marc Schoelermann.

Starring: Milo Ventimiglia as Ted Grey, Michael Weston as Jake Gallo, Alyssa Milano as Gwen Williamson, and Lauren Lee Smith as Juliette Bath.

Is there a doctor in the house? Okay, so Pathology deals with the other kind of doctor–the medical examiner. Pathology takes place in the ever dreaded morgue of a popular hospital. With gore abound and almost flawless execution, Marc Schoelermann creates a film to die for.

Ted Grey is an anatomy prodigy with wit that goes virtually unmatched. He joins a group of medical school students in residency and is quickly cast as an outsider due to his immense knowledge of gross human anatomy. He then meets the egotistical head honcho of the group Jake Gallo. After going on a drunken tour de slums (with Jake) in which Ted meets an immoral body guard and an even more immoral prostitute grandmother, Ted is shocked to discover the body of body guard in the morgue the next day. Of course, in his drunken stupor Ted wound up blacking out and can’t remember anything, but he does suspect Jake had something to do with the ghastly murder. This is where the game begins. Jake asks Ted to meet him back at the hospital later that evening. After meeting in front of the elevators, Jake takes Ted down to a sequestered wing of the hospital. In the abandoned surgical room lies the corpse of the body guard with a few fellow members of the residency team. Jake explains to Ted the object of the game is to commit the perfect murder. From then on, Dr. Ted Grey is sucked into a deadly game of wits, skill, and sexual temptation. The consequences of his actions are dramatic and heartbreaking. Ted Grey pays the ultimate price…but so does Jake Gallo.

Pathology isn’t your typical brain dead gore horror flick. This film’s dialogue is uniquely intelligent, thoughtful, and downright cunning. Take this snippet of a quote from Professor Dr. Morris as an example:  “You will see the perversion, the corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural. And then we will work backwards, always back to that original pristine design, to determine the affecting cause of death.” The aforementioned quote is completely ironic given the plot of the film. Aside from its irony, the quote (there are many more like them) serves as a prime example for the intellectual dialogue one will discover while watching this film.

What I find to be extremely brilliant is how the film preys upon a common human weakness. When we hear of a registered sex offender molesting and murdering a child or a drug dealer selling dope while his/her kid watches helplessly from a nearby car, it is in our human nature to desire vigilante justice. We actually want to see these types of atrocities avenged! If the law were not holding us back, think of how many people would play judge and jury. Pathology may seem like a zany and nonsensical film, but it leaves the lingering questions for your subconscious to solve. This is what makes Pathology so psychologically terrifying!

Pathology possesses the twisted games and gore from the Saw series and the secluded secret group up to no good from films such as Fight Club. This film is nothing short of a stomach-churning psychological rollercoaster ride. Once you slip the DVD into your player and begin watching, I guarantee you will be entertained throughout. Come on, give Pathology a chance…it will leave you scared stiff.

***4.5 out of 5 stars***

Vagina dentata–Latin for toothed vagina. Does this not sound incredibly insane? Mitchell Lichtenstein directs this amazingly fresh piece of gore horror mixed with undertones of black comedy. The main character Dawn is flawlessly executed by Jess Weixler, and Dawn’s brother Brad is played by Nip/Tuck star John Hensley. Teeth takes place in your typical quaint neighborhood (which ironically offsets Dawn’s atypical condition), but Dawn’s life is anything but typical.

The movie begins with a panoramic view of the quiet neighborhood but don’t get too comfortable yet. Lichtenstein quickly delves into the obscene having Brad and Dawn play in a kiddie pool as children. Brad, being the distraught and eccentric child, exposes himself to his younger sister and then asks Dawn to expose herself. Brad is bitten on the finger after attempting to molest her. Teeth fastforwards to Dawn’s teenage years where promiscuous sex has become the epitome of teenage pop culture. Dawn, however, is waiting to devote herself to her knight in shining armor (after getting married, of course). This changes when she meets Tobey (played by Hale Appleman). Dawn attempts to brainwash herself with reoccurring thoughts of purity, but the hormonal temptation between the two teens is just too much. What starts out as innocent kissing quickly spirals out of control. Ultimately, Dawn becomes a target for male domination. Tobey’s dominance endeavor falls short after his penis is bitten in half…by Dawn’s vagina. Obviously Dawn is apalled with her vaginal “adaptation” and decides to research her particular ailment. This is the part where Dawn discovers she is living proof of a widespread cultural myth. Her vagina happens to possess teeth closely related to those of a shark (a scene with two doctors relays this bit of information), however, the crown/enamel is most similar to a human. Many more “accidents” occur as Dawn slowly slips from the world of the prudes into the world of the sexually active.

The tagline for this film is nothing short of genius. “Every rose has its thorns” perfectly captures the essence of Teeth with symbolic wit. When we think of roses we think of love, of innocence, of purity. This depicts Dawn’s character before she becomes a sex machine. The “thorn” could very well symbolize Dawn’s vaginal dentata condition, but it could also represent Dawn’s virtuous life spiraling out of control. The tagline in itself is enough to make you grab this DVD off the shelf and take a peek.

Now for my favorite part…the gore. Although you never catch a glimpse of the toothed vagina, there are plenty of severed bloody penises abound for the average gore whore to get their kicks. Will it make a guy queasy? Oh, most certainly, but that’s what’s so great about it! This movie is one parable every man should watch no matter how painful. The men Dawn engages with present a false facade only to morph into a man that fits the common male stereotype (that most men are jackasses). Little do they know Dawn is prepared for the ultimate revenge. The lesson of the film? Don’t mess with innocence…and don’t piss girls like Dawn off at all.

Teeth gives a fantastically fresh face to the horror genre and should instantly become a cult classic amongst the youth. Some may say the story drags a bit. Nevertheless, the film did not disappoint as I was entertained for the entire duration. I was extremely surprised this film did not receive a NC-17 rating, but nowadays a PG movie can slip a curse word or two. However, this film does push the envelope (that’s why I love it). See this smash hit and brag to your friends how you were able to sit through the entire thing.

***4/5 stars***

After the credits began to roll across the screen, I stared straight ahead, mouth agape. This was not the good type of gawking. I had wasted one hour and twenty minutes of my life I would never be able to get back.

Dark Floors is directed by Pete Riski. The movie was released in Finland just this year. Prior to seeing this film, I had NO idea it was a film featuring a popular Finnish metal band called Lordi. This band is known for its insanely ridiculous getup of monster costumes. When I say insanely ridiculous, I don’t mean scary…I mean fit for the circus ridiculous.

Sarah (played by Skye Bennett) is a mentally troubled little girl. Her unstable condition is hardly discussed save for a scene in which nurse Emily (played by Dominique McElligott) brings about the subject of epilepsy (a disorder causing seizures). One can assume from the girl’s actions she is autistic. Sarah is basically handicapped and must be in a wheelchair. In order to occupy her fragile mind, her father Ben (played by Noah Huntley) allows her to draw pictures. Before the dastardly villains appear, Sarah is shown drawing the monstrous figures on her paper. Ben becomes irritated with the treatment of his daughter and decides (against the wishes of Emily) to attempt to leave the hospital. Ben, Sarah, and Emily board an elevator with a rich snob, a security guard, a homeless man, and another unimportant character.

Anyway, the elevator becomes stuck between the 6th and 7th floors (a cheesy nursery rhyme like something out of Grimm’s Fairy Tales soon follows). Once the doors finally open the hospital appears completely deserted, and the elevator occupants are baffled. Cue the non-appalling creatures from another realm. Surprise! It just so happens the elevator occupants SOMEHOW became trapped in a parallel universe with these hellish beasts. Ultimately, this movie wound up collapsing under its own weight. How could a movie such as Dark Floors begin with such promise and give way to this horrific pile of steaming cow dung?

Obviously the band member’s costumes were used to portray (computer effects were used) the evil villains Dark Floors. The visual effects were sometimes appealing but were mostly monotonous and obtuse. I have no idea what Riski was thinking! These villains were the farthest thing from being utterly terrifying. The closest thing to scary was the apparition I like to call The Screeching Woman. The only purpose she served was making my ears bleed–she was more annoying than scary.

As you may already tell, I believe the plot is absolutely asinine. However, I will give credit for Riski’s horrific atmosphere. Although the creatures failed to produce any scares, the deserted hospital, the darkened hallways, and the eerie musical score created the perfect horror movie setting. If the creatures had been…you know…scary, the film would have been so much better.

After the scene with the old lady in the motorized wheelchair, please stop the movie and take it back or walk out of the theater. That is as good as Dark Floors gets–it’s all downhill from there. It is films such as this that deserve an extra special space upon the abandoned shelf. The sole purpose of this sorry excuse for a film should be to collect dust.

***Dark Floors: 1/5 stars.***